I am not young, but I am not old. I am not fat, but I am not thin. I am in the middle of everything, so it seems. ‘Mid life wonderings’, as I am calling it, or ‘constant state of confusion’, even ‘walking around in circles’ would describe it.
I know I am not content. Something inside of me is telling me there is more. More freedom, more peace, more answers. I’ve been researching and asking myself so many life questions since my world got turned upside just over a year ago. Grief will do that to you, but more to the point, coming to terms with the fact that I now have a healthy body and a future, actually fucked with my psyche more so. You see, being just like you is weirding me out.
I absolutely understand why so many of you are emotionally struggling. If your health is not an issue, why not create complications and really destructive coping mechanisms that leave you completely in denial, therefore let mundane shit like money and complaining you never have enough rule your world! Heck, maybe even compromise your own happiness by having unhealthy relationships, resort to being cynical, possibly create weird food aversions, addictions and completely ignore the fact that your family and friends aren’t affected by your behaviour and expect us not to worry about your welbeing??
I did. My destructive behaviours have been, to be sad. Like, all the time. Oh and cry, ALOT. I feel safe when I’m sad. Yeah ok, so I’ve kinda been diagnosed with PTSD but that’s no excuse. I have been playing the victim. I just put myself in your healthy shoes and I fucken hate it. I hate it because it was never me. I never felt sorry for myself, nor did I have time to be in utter despair. I know it had to come out eventually. I know I went through alot but i just can’t ever remember building these unhealthy layers of ways to cope that stopped me achieving my goals. So why now? It was probably going to happen anyway, as I literally am, half way though my life but what I have lived through has only made me more aware of our crazy abilty to disconnect from who we really are. You are so deserving to truly be happy, and you can. We all can learn to let go of the bullshit.
I get it. I get why you thought I was “amazing” and “inspirational” (in your words), when I was sick, because I was genuinely happy. I know you could see it, because I felt it. I lived it. Yes I’m angry, I’m angry that we live in a society where we feel we can’t express ourselves, that we shouldn’t say to our loved ones, ‘your actions are really affecting me but I know it’s really about you so please let me in, please talk to me, tell me your scared, tell me your hurting, tell me you don’t know what to do anymore.’ I’m angry that suicide has become part of our daily vocabulary, that kids think media is “real” and live in a fake world inside a box. If you speak your truth, you answer your own questions. Surely we need to teach our kids not to hide thier feelings and show them how to be free of shame? It’s exactly what I’m doing now, and I’m shit scared. I’m scared the answers won’t come fast enough and I’m scared that these moments of clarity will be fleeting and I’ll fall back into that dark hole.
Of late, I’ve been surrounding myself with people that are truly suffering. All of you are inspirational to me because we are one, the same. Trying. Trying to survive. I acknowledge all of you. Thank you for helping me, just by being you. I love you. My other click at the moment are the ones who get it and are doing it. My friends that have super healthy coping mechanisms. Despite your challenges, you get up, dust yourself off each day and make a conscious effort to look after yourself. Thank you for leading me, by your example. You guys are incredible because I know all of you have also suffered but you’ve chosen to find your true self and spread your gift of honesty, integrity and light. Fucken love you guys. Keep doing what you do. I know it’s sometimes hard but be proud you’ve found purpose, amongst the chaos.
I sometimes feel like I am in a zombie movie. So many of us just go through the motions, finding happiness sometimes, and convincing ourselves that it’s enough, or things will get better when…..I have lot’s of money for e.g. Are you for fucken real? What will that piece of printed paper give you that is more real than what you can gift to yourself? Hey, it’s called LOVE. Can that money, love you?
Let me tell you what happiness feels like, real happiness. It feels like…. a horizon. It’s infinite. It’s limitless, weightless and serene. It’s like the most beautiful fluffy cloud, stained by the sun. It’s so mystical but also tangible. It’s so, so beautiful. It’s real. You feel it all over, but mostly in your heart, because that’s where it resides. I’ve felt it but honestly, I haven’t felt it for a long time but it’s simply because I haven’t felt myself. Of course I allow myself that feeling of completely letting go, but the other feelings are always right there, creeping in pretty quick to remind me that life is complex, leaving me completely empty asking myself ‘why’, ‘how’, and trying desperately to find the answers, so I can help you find yours. I now know, I can’t help you anymore. I really, really wanted to help you find that happiness that I felt, when I was dying. But I’m exhausted. If you can’t see the real you, then I’m so sorry for you. The reason I wanted to help is because I wanted to show you how to be free. I wanted to try and help my fellow man and pass on what I learnt from struggling with a physical illness and overcoming it. I wanted you to feel what it felt like to win the ultimate prize of being given a second chance at life.
I did win, but now I am emotionally drained. I am lost. I don’t understand why you cannot see how to be free. I know you never asked for my help, but I honestly thought it was my duty for coming out the other side. All I wanted to do was give back. I wanted you to see how genuinely beautiful your life is, full of endless possibilities, joy, adventures and freedom. I don’t know why you can’t see that nothing else matters but the you that’s hiding in your heart. You are so truly amazing. Although I hold my self worth so high, my spirit is vunerable and still recovering from the trauma I went through. I know I am not the same person since my second transplant and I am discovering that in general, the older we get the more we need to be much, much kinder to ourselves,.
‘So if you need a hero.
Just look in the mirror.
No one’s gonna save you now.
So you better save yourself.
And everybody’s hurting,
everybody’s going through it.
But you just can’t give up now
Cause you gotta save yourself‘.
KALI UCHIS ‘AFTER THE STORM’
So that’s what I’m going to do. My goal is to save myself, again. This time though, is so much harder. When you have a physical struggle that fucks with your life, you don’t have a choice. You know you must fight. When you have a mental struggle, the illusions you create to build your wall of defense can become super thick. One brick at a time, I’m going to smash it down and reveal the most beautiful and compassionate fairy that I know I truly am. I hope you can join me in finding what’s ‘real’ and not feeling an inch of gulit to bathe in that beauty of happiness because I want my light to shine forever and I don’t have children to help me spread it. It’s just me, but I have plenty of love to share. My life, is your life.
See you soon, my love xxxx