It’s been 10 months since my last confession.
I can’t even remember what happened this past year as it’s zoomed by. I know it felt like the longest winter ever and I know I suffered upmost heart break for losing a dog close to me in the cruellest way. I also know I got a squamous cell carcinoma cut off my lip by a plastic surgeon that woke me up to the consequences and reality of being a beach bum most my life. I had two precious holidays with my loves at my fave, and celebrated my blessings as much as I could in anyway possible, mostly by dancing in the dark for an hour every week. I know I’ve worked like a dog but luckily doing what I love and I know I have tried to learn daily on how to make life better for my mind, body and soul in the hope to always lead by example and share my joy through my personal experience of once being chained to a life support machine then being given a second chance at life by a stranger. Humbling and life changing indeed, I carry this every step I take but instead of feeling like I was unlucky, I know it was just an initiation for much, much bigger things yet to come for me.
I want to take the time out to thank all of you. My family, my closest friends, my neighbours, the strangers I meet at work, my yoga teachers, my fellow dancing in the dark allies, my amazing work colleagues, my ‘Cowgirl’ flower fairies, the cows and sheep I drive past everyday, the children that surround me, the rescue dogs I see online and the ones I hold close and of course my one and only. All of you teach me and give me daily lessons on strength, love and continually challenge me to stay true to myself and reaffirm the path I’m on truly is the right one. My focus has always been stronger than my physical self which gave me an understanding early on that we are so much more than the skin we’re in. This is what I search for everyday as it has survived more than a small body like mine ever could through medicine alone.
So what is it? I honestly don’t know. Yeah it’s my search for meaning, my pursuit of happiness because at the end of it all, I just want to die happy. I do know it is love at its purest and my search to understand it will never end as I feel my calling is to share it. I wouldn’t be here if at some point I hadn’t found it but I’ve blocked out most of that time as it’s hard to face it again. I was at deaths door and my only chance to survive was to put trust in the unknown and hold hope higher than I ever thought possible. Nothing short of a miracle happened to me and I can tell you, it was beautiful.
What would it take to be your own hero, to stand proud and know you’ve done everything possible to make peace with yourself? Pretty sure you wont find it by trying to please others or get their validation, nor by worrying sick about the things you cannot change or even by being cynical and seeing life half glass empty. This only shows your fear of the unknown and your distrust within. Why not commit to loving yourself a bit more instead. Start by standing in front of the mirror completely nude. Guess who’s the only one judging now? Be kind to number one. You deserve the life you’ve always wanted, the dreams that inspired you when you were young. It’s never ever too late and remember its always a choice. Question why the material things that thought would make you happy, don’t and never take your health for granted. It is the greatest gift of all so listen to your body. It’s about time you got what you wanted so this Xmas, make it count. Let go of all your ideals and be present to the beautiful you we can all see.
Love Maria AKA Kidneyqueen